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Annoying

I’m probably super annoying to you.

On the outside, it seems like I should be the happiest person
The happiest person alive
Yet here I am complaining again to perfect strangers/acquaintances
About how little self esteem I have

You look at me and say,
“Hey, you’re young, talented, you look good, you have four beautiful children, a loving husband, you’re homeschooling–You’re doing it all and you’re amazing!”
I guess I just can’t see it

And you know?
I’ve never been able to.
Never been able to understand how to love myself and still appear humble, how to be proud of myself without being prideFULL, how to be real without being seen as a

Show-off

Attention-seeking

Faker

Ungrateful

Stuck up

So here I am stuck down

Down in the dumps of self-hatred and loathing, wishing I was different, but not knowing how or even what that “different” should be

Wishing I could figure out how to be normal—

Like you have this amazing life and you’re this amazing person, why don’t you believe it? Other people seem to have it figured out

They’re just themselves, unapologetically

They literally don’t apologize for being alive

But I feel the need to apologize constantly, like a compulsion, like a need to breathe. Either that or overshare on people until they feel so uncomfortable that they avoid me or, at best, are coldly polite

Meanwhile my kids are waiting for me to grow up and be there for them and instead I just sit them in front of a screen and hope they can afford therapy someday

They see me as the awesome person that I am, but there’s this glass wall inside my brain keeping me from being that person for them and for myself

and it’s so annoying.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

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